I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Randomize
