there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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