By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Randomize
