when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
