he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
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