Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
