she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
