At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
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