everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
My ass is underappreciated
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
