I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
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