Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
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