I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
