dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
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