I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
Randomize
