4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize
