Life is so much better after having sex.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
Randomize
