thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Randomize
