OMg patrick swayze is the sexuest man he is killing me I'm gonna get dehydrated if I don't stop looking at him
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
