so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize