Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
