my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
is that a dick in a sweater?
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
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