There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
