I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize