thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
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