Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Randomize
