His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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