can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Randomize
