youre lurking in front of me
i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
