Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Randomize
