Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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