On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize