Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
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