im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
You left your phone here
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