Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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