I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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