handjob tips. give me some.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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