My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
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