What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
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