Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
