Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
