Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
I love you. Go after that dick
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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