I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
I think I sprained my soul last night
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
