Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Randomize
