Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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