Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Randomize
