he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
