I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Randomize