my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Randomize
