I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
