Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
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