the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
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