you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
