Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
