Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
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