Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
