I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
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