i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
